A Prescription
Today is one of those days that I simply don't feel like being real. I would much rather put on a fake smile and pretend that I feel differently then I do, or better yet, hide under a rock somewhere until I have given myself a proper attitude adjustment. However, that is tough. That requires time, effort and solitude; none of which come easily when you are a mom, a wife, a business owner.
Today, I was reminded that I still have a long way to go in being good at actually taking good care of myself. I tend to put myself on the back burner. I want everyone else to be taken care of, things to get done, and others to be helped. While that may sound noble and selfless, it really is just the opposite and rather ego-centric. The world will not end if I step back at times and take time for me, and yet if I am to be totally honest I struggle with letting go. I guess that shows my tendencies to be a control freak at times. I am learning that if I don't do a good job taking care of myself then I end up having little to offer others, if anything at all. My kids get the grumpy mommy, and my husband gets the overwhelmed, nonexistent wife. :(
In fact, being so stinky at this can lower your immune system, making it really easy to get sick and harder to get well, which is exactly what it has done to me. It isn't that I do too much; it is what I am not doing that has come to bite me. I have not been doing a good job of taking care of me. To sit in the doctors office today for what feels like the millionth time this month (okay, it was the 3rd) and hear what she had to say was humbling. My immune system is spent, and some of the reasons why are my own fault. It turns out that my body still has not recovered from the violent attack on my immune system after the pregnancy, septic infection, and preceeding death of our twins, now almost 4 years ago. I have been sick more over the last 4 years than over the rest of my life combined, and I am quiet litterally sick of it.
She asked if I had many stressors in my life. Seriously, I unintentionally may have laughed out loud. Then I mentioned a few things that I had to admit were stressors this year: adoption battle; estranged, rebellious daughter; screwy family members; etc. And her eyes grew a bit wide. Then she asked what I did to relax, to take care of myself. Aghh! That question keeps coming up in my life right now. And that is when I feel like I have a mental handicap. My awnser was barely audible, because in truth I stink at it. What did it really have to do with me being ill anyway? A whole lot, it turns out.
Her next words chilled me, when I asked what could happen? With complete stillness she replied, "You could die."
I had heard these words before. I heard them from the speicalist we saw when everything starting going wrong in my pregnancy with our twins, when I was asked and refused to abort them. I got into my car and cried—okay, maybe yelled at God. But really I was only angry at myself. How many times do I need to be reminded before I actually learn some of these lessons in life? The message just gets louder and louder until I get it.
Through the stillness that enveloped my car I was reminded that I simply had to let go (again) of the control that I do not really have in the first place and trust the God who gave me all I have to take care of that which I battle Him for. The outcomes of so much in this life, especially my children, are not mine to control. What I can control is taking care of me, and starting today I plan on becoming an expert on how to do just that.
And while this might sound silly—and maybe no one on this planet will understand—but photography is one of the few things I actually do for me. It relaxes and breaths new life within me in a way I cannot explain. It is my gift. :)
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